Deliriously, Speechlessly, Happy

tired

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 23:09:20 GMT

another sunday grazing by and its still nice to see that nothing has changed. nor can i do anything to change it.

friiday was a nice day. went to class, came home, did some work, and later went out for mike's birthday. surprisingly i had a very good time. i met new people and enjoyed just being myself...i love meeting new people. its a sense of starting over. its a glmpse of turning the page in life. it means that no one can judge you on the person you are because they know absolutely nothing. it gives you a chance you let people see a new person- someone who you want to be.

no baggage.
no attachment to anything.
no previous judgements.
just me.

coming home is the hardest part because you want to do something based off of your emotions, but i stay strong. i built this fortress with own bare hands and not even an army can bring it down...unless its an army of the worst kind, and im sure you know what that is.

saturday was a relaxing day.
did some yoga, studied some more, and spent time with my family.

i really do hope this feeling goes away.

weekend

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 00:27:57 GMT

so, im sorry to bore with my yoga babble. i have a tendancy to go off on tangents sometimes.

life is good.
all is well.
be happy. :)

ps- someoneee has a big day comming up! thats right. only 25 days away. im happy. its going to be my day and no one elses.

on thursday, or on VD as elina likes to call it, im going to be with my only valentine fifi...
its been a good 2 years since i last had someone to spend valentine's day with. im not bitter though because i know that all good things will come to those who wait. because i dont need a stupid hearts and chocolate and flowers day to prove to me that i am special :)

im letting go of the steering wheel...
love life.
love life.
love.
life.

yoga babble

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 00:15:58 GMT

Yoga reflection

When I first decided to sign up for a yoga class, my initial thoughts were, “Oh it’s only a Yoga and it sounds like a fun and easy class to take. It can’t be too hard.” After the first couple of classes, my opinion completely changed. I was no longer feeling carefree about the class but rather very much into it. it began to get more and more difficult for me as time progressed but that is exactly what I loved about it. I began to slowly pay more attention to the Yamas and the Niyamas. I started to realize how significantly my life could change if I just open myself up to these Yamas and just let my heart do the following. Soon after I did that, I began noticing how the skills on the yoga mat and the Yamas and Niyamas are affecting me outside of the classroom and off the mat.

There are only a few Yamas that I connected to on a very personal level and that play into my life and my lifestyle. From these Yamas, I am beginning to learn more and more about myself each day and I love it. They affect my mind, spirit, emotions, and essentially my entire being. The first and most important Niyama for me is Santosha. The word Santosha means contentment. I feel very connected to Santosha because it establishes a sense of clarity and meaning for me. When I first heard about Santosha, I was not only intrigued but also surprised with how I could relate to it. The example used with the old man and his farm is a great way of looking at it. No matter how good or bad things were in the farmer’s life, he was completely content with whatever came his way.

As I heard that story, I began to think about my own life. This is when the light bulb in my head started to go off and it happened more frequently day after day. The past year in my life has been a difficult one for me. I’ve had some good times and many bad ones. I spent a lot of time focusing on myself and finding out what exactly made me happy. When something good happened in my life, I was filled with joy and couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. However, when things got tough and weren’t going my way, I felt as if my entire world was going to collapse. I did not know what to do with myself. I immediately began to look for ways to fix the wrong done in my life and make it right just so I could be happy again. I could not stand the thought of being unhappy. It scared me to death. The number one fear in my life that I used to hold before I discovered Santosha was loneliness. I have no sense of independence and no sense of happiness at that. I felt as if I needed to have someone else in my life in order to be happy. It was my number one goal to happiness, find a companion and never let go. So this is what I attempted to do many times and every single time, I failed. After each failed relationship, I blamed myself as being the cause of it. At this point, I did not think that I could ever find happiness and contentment without being in a relationship with someone who I can cling on to.

Santosha saved me, and is still saving me to this day. I am okay with the way my life is laid out for me right now. I am happy with what is and no longer dwell on what could have been or what I want it to be. I am happy despite the fact that don’t have everything I want in life; despite the fact that I am not in the loving relationship I want to be in. I am currently seeking joy and serenity in life just from the simple little things that stem from it. I am taking it for what it is and nothing more. When I feel that feeling slipping away, I remind myself of the farmer, and his contentment. No matter what hardships he went through, he always found contentment in life. This doesn’t mean that he didn’t care about what was going on in his life. It just means that if he went on that emotional roller coaster that takes a person up and down in life, he would never find true contentment and serenity. He would never understand the true meaning behind Santosha.

I cannot say that I completely and utterly understand Santosha to its fullest extent, but I can say that I am learning about it more and more as time goes on. I apply it to my everyday life and try to look at things from a more positive point of view. I do not want to be emotionally swayed by the good and bad events in my life. Nor do I want to be connected to them so deeply. Of course I’m going to care, but will I let it affect me to such a negative degree as it did before? Never. Through Santosha, I learned that the first and foremost thing I need to be content with before anything else is myself. The rest will follow. I don’t need a significant other in my life to be happy. I don’t need to disregard all the negative events that go on in my life. I also don’t need to get completely joyful when something good happens. I just need to learn to be content. Content with what I have and content with whatever will come my way, be it good or bad.

Once I detach myself from all of the needs and wants in my life, true Santosha will take place. If every person clings on to everything they have in life, the outcome can be tragic. What will happen when you lose something you’ve held onto for so long? What will happen when you want something so bad but can’t get it? If you follow Santosha, you could be completely content in both situations. Santosha is described to be “the root of happiness.” With this thought in mind, I am satisfied with myself and no longer depend on other things in life to make me happy. I now feel less stressed about many things going on in my life, both good and bad. My attitude is has now changed and I no longer doubt my happiness or myself. When a change occurs in my life, if its good, I don’t let it pull towards the moon with glee, and if its bad, I don’t let it pull me down with it.

Along with Santosha, I also find it very important to myself to follow Isvara Pranidhana. This Yama means to surrender to life force. I use this Yama along with Santosha because I feel that the two go hand in hand. If I am holding onto something in life and clinging onto it for dear life, then no good will come of it. If I’m curious about what it would feel like to just completely let go, that is when I surrender to life force. That is when the weight on my shoulders will no longer feel as heavy. I am no longer letting things control myself. I no longer try to work around anything to make my life better. I just simply let go and let a superior force, be it God or another divine force, lead the way. I am of Christian Orthodox but was never very religious. That does not mean that I do not believe in God and a higher power. I believe that if I let go of everything I am trying to control in life, the rest will fall into place.

Once I let go of this force that it pulling me in all sorts of directions, I invite it another force, the force of life and the force of God. This force is the most powerful. I believe that I will be spending my entire life practicing Isvara Pranidhana. I think that for me it will take a life to master such an incredible skill. I am completely content with that because I know that a force like this takes more than just a month, or a year to connect to and truly let into your life. As long as I am consumed in what I need in life and what I want from it, I will not see the bigger picture that is staring me in the face. This picture is of a greater force in my life that is dying to take over and right what has been wronged. I am opening up my mind and my life and letting it a light that I dare follow.

I believe that with Santosha and with Isvara Pranidhana, I will be able to not only be content with whatever life throws my way, but also let go of what I need and want in life and let a higher power take over. I started to connect with Santosha immediately. Soon after I began to slowly let go of the personal force that’s been steering my life and let a higher life force take over. By practicing Santosha and Isvara Pranidhana, I will begin to let the other 8 Yamas and Niyamas enter my life and take their place.

center of the universe...

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 02:54:44 GMT

i know what it seems like.
poor little frivolous thing.
engulfed within these walls of staggering thoughts
left, right, left, left,left,left

right...as we will ever be.
left, as well all are in the end.

poor little thing you say?
your thoughts have been misleading you.
strength.
power.
love.
happiness.
freedom.
all of which will have set a path for the lost.
for those in fear.

place your hand in mine.
for i am, the center, of your, universe.

brave

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 03:39:26 GMT

Hello,
So once again i'm attempting to do this whole journal business all over again. there are several times in the day when i want to put down a thought on paper and this is the best escape yet. Wednesdays are possibly the worst days for me. I'm in class from 840 to 230 and straight from there i go to work until 9. :(

i started off the semester bitching about my yoga class but pretty glad at this point that i didnt drop it. today the yama or "lesson" i guess you could say was Isvara-Pranidhana. - surrender to life force. sometimes letting go, surrending, is the best medicine. hanging on to certain aspects in our lives can be a daunting experience. if we hold on too much, we lose consciousness of more important things.
i love listening to stories about these yamas because in some ways i can always relate them to myself and how i feel at certain times in my life. anywayy bla bla

im becoming more and more accepting of myself and the way my life is laid out for me. its an amazing feel to come across. to just let go. just. letting. go. can do so much for your soul. :)

until next time.
stella

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 00:05:37 GMT

~~"you're special"~~

40,000 leagues under the sea
a concerted effort of the white lie syndrome
the continuous cycle of happiness, heartbreak, desperation, and repeat
the refreshing knowledge of retreating to square one
defines the existence of mankind

...its okay by me

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 17:19:24 GMT

FEARLESS

Distortions of the obvious
Yet the unknown illuminates all that is existent
An eagle's nest embodies the power, the force, of impact
The perfect image of ~~innocence~~
Glorified by the absence of all senses
For we no longer can distinct ourselves from mere creatures
Our youth has grown fainter and our mind has yet to catch its breath
Whoever said that special defines the unusual, the individuality, and uniqueness...
is yet to have experienced ~~reality~~..at its best.
So, rise up, take a bow, and assume the position.
For you are nothing more than a routine creation from the creator himself.
-Stella By Starlight-

Who am I?

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 20:54:20 GMT

So I like to spend quality class time writing random thoughts...

~~It's All But a Dream~~

Be that as it may.
Survival of the fittest.
Strength is measured by the empowerment your soul shines upon its moment of desperation.
Eyes of glory steer themselves through an illuminating tunnel.
For a glimpse of the future.
Life as we know it is but a dream.
Blissful, delirious, and incomprehensible.
The striking resemblance of what could have been...
to the reality that infuriates us to becomes slaves of our own beings.
For we are victims of hope, trapped without the endeavors of others.

-Stella By Starlight-

The World is your Oyster

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 17:03:45 GMT

This times its for real...I promise!

Hey everyone,
Im not really sure if anyone will be reading this nor do I care because I find it to be a source of outlet for myself and the whispering words that dance around in my head on a daily basis just begging to be let out. So I resort to an online journal to do my venting and rambling :)

I simply cannot wait for this semester to be over with. Only 6 more weeks then I will be enjoying life either with precious babies or on a beach drinking margaritas. There has been a lot on my mind over the past couple of weeks and I'd doing my best trying to make sense of it all because no one else is going to do it for me.

Sometimes you don't want to believe something thats on your mind until you hear it from another person's mouth. Every girl knows what I'm talking about and can definitely relate. I am having a lot of trouble being the person that I am and understanding exactly how I'm supposed to live life. Do you ever have one of those days where you just don't know anything nor do you want to because its better that way. Why face your problems and fears when you can simply turn the other cheek and live in a bubble of happiness and smiles?

Thu, 04 May 2006 23:44:05 GMT

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,
Its time for an update. the past 2 days have been crazy and its only going to get worse :(
i spent all of yesterday studying for my stat and religion exam. HRM is 2morrow and im nto too stressed about it....
today was very very hot. im not liking this weather too much. its a tad bit human if you ask me.
in other news - ive been having horrible pain in my side..it goes away and comes back whenever it wishes.

well i did some productive things today i.e. did tamaras homework, took a little nap, ate some more, etc

now its time to get back to studying.
adios :)

ps. i regret starting this journall

IH, Coldplay, Cheese, and MORE

Tue, 02 May 2006 19:37:30 GMT

so today was a quite interesting day:
i went to school to prepare myself for the IH final I have comming up with monika and joe.
despite the many interruptions..one after the other..
we got a lot done and thats a big weight off of my shoulders. what a geek i am! grrr
so after a couple of hours with the kids, i learned a lot than what i expected to.

1. joe cannot digest cheese, broccoli, nor ham
2. I AM NOT the only person in the entire world who hates blade runner :)
3. coldplay according to joe still sucks and nothing will ever change that :(
4. my momma jokes need to stop! ASAP
5. im fat
6. i need to lose some weight
7. i shouldnt eat for the rest of the day...

ON A LIGHTER NOTE:
how amazing does it feel to almost be done with school. Stat and religion finals on thursday,
hrm final on fridayy (team effort right there),econ final on monday, IH final on tues..
fun fun funn

SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE

Mon, 01 May 2006 23:35:04 GMT

Im back :)
i figured since the semester is practically over, ill start off fresh with some new thoughts, and my daily rambles which im sure you all love. stay tuned for more...i promise to make it more eventful :)

ARMENIANISM

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 19:08:44 GMT

Armenians, I am here
Cry no more, fear no more, run no more
I am your savior
Under my wing, I place you all
You’re safe, you’re here, and you’re smiling
How does it feel? The freedom
Look up at your mountains
Look down on your soil
Raise your arms high into the clouds and flow to the sound of your own music
…Your own history, your own being
This is all yours now
For you are Armenians, My own creation
For it is you whom I look upon
To laugh, to live, to love
Afraid to close your eyes? Don’t be
Sleep tight, worry not
For when you open your eyes
I will still be here

should i?

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 19:08:39 GMT

should i trust him?
should i hold his hand?
should i believe in him?
or take my life into my own hands?
am i his victim or his follower?
if he walks with me, will he let me hold his hand?
or will his distance be kept?
will he allow me to scream him name whenever im in fear?
or will it be something ill have to hold back
i put in his possession
everything that i am
everything that i have
everything that i live for
should my body shiver with his one touch?
or should the tears come falling down when i realize...
that hes all i ever believed in
hes all i ever wanted